


Eight Days Sober

by sleepissafety



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Direct lines from Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Gen, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Torture, Infection, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-06
Updated: 2015-05-29
Packaged: 2018-03-29 06:22:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3885688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepissafety/pseuds/sleepissafety
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chronicling Winter Soldier's first days out of HYDRA's possession, from saving the mysterious man he was ordered to kill...to seeing his face on a memorial for Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes.</p><p>Tags will be added as needed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Day One: Freezer Burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Friday, April 4th, 2014
> 
> Day One: when a mission to kill becomes a mission to save

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  *****Though I'm sure you'll know as soon as you see 'em, anything in quotations is a direct line from _Captain America: The Winter Soldier_ as written by Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely.** I watched these scenes at least half a dozen times apiece while writing and the feels get more overwhelming as you go, so any transcribing errors are unabashedly mine.
> 
> Additionally, the formatting is entirely intentional. There's a lot going on so I used larger paragraph breaks, which I hope make this easier to read. If you have trouble figuring out which lines belong which character (there are three, sort of), there is a guide in the end note.

_“Bucky?”_

  
  
  
_“Who the hell is Bucky?”_   
  
  


Would you…Would you have told me if I …if I hadn’t fled?

  
  
  
~~Would you…Would you have told me if I…if I hadn’t fled?~~  
  
  
The Asset does not bargain.   
The Asset does not question itself or its mission.   
Most importantly—  
  
  


The Asset does not flee.

  
  
  


What…What happens now?

  
  
  
Failure to obey will result in punishment.   
Punishment includes, but is not limited to, full body restraints, forcible administration of intravenous supplements, and—  
  
  


And I failed to obey.

  
  
  
No food. No water.  
  
  


Has this actually happened before?   
Maybe I’m just hallucinating again?  
Or is it both?  
Can it be both?

  
  
  
No movement. No—  
  
  


They told me I didn’t know the man on the bridge.   
They told me I didn’t know _you_.   
But I kept seeing you in my head, keep seeing you in my head.   
It wasn’t just from today.   
It feels like so long ago.   
You used to be much smaller, didn’t you?  
I saw your face on a smaller body in my head.  
And then I saw your face on the body you have now.  
I heard your voice and it was the same as it is now.  
I know you.

  
  
  
~~I know you.~~  
  
  


But they told me I didn’t…

  
  
  
The Asset does not function properly when restrained.   
The Asset finds it difficult to provide a satisfactory mission report with an empty stomach and a dry tongue.  
The Asset—  
  
  


But I think they’re wrong.  
I know they’re wrong.  
My mind would not hold so many vivid images of you if you didn’t exist outside of it.  
They told me I didn’t know you.  
They’re wrong.

  
  
  
~~They’re wrong.~~  
  
  
Further punishment is required if the Asset does not provide a satisfactory mission report.   
The Asset will be subject to various additional methods of punishment, which includes, but is not limited to—  
  
  


I wish I could remember.

  
  
  
~~I wish I could remember.~~  
  
  
Regardless of the satisfactoriness of the mission report, the Asset will be subject to a complete wipe of the mind at the conclusion of each mission.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


“People are gonna die, Buck. I can’t let that happen.”

  
  
  


No, you can’t.

  
  
  
~~No, you can’t.~~  
  
  


But I—

  
  
  
Target acquired.  
  
  


“Please don’t make me do this.”

  
  
  


I…I can’t…  
I’m sorry.   
I’m so sorry.

  
  
  
~~I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.~~  
  
  


I lo—

  
  
  
The Asset will engage the target.  
  
  


No.  
No!  
Please, don’t!  
I can’t hurt him!  
Stop this, stop this!  
Why is this happening?  
Please, stop!

  
  
  
The Asset must always keep in mind the orders of the mission.  
Current mission: target must be eliminated.  
  
  


I’m—  
I—  
I’m sorry.  
I love you. 

  
  
  
~~I’m sorry.~~  
  
  
 ~~I love you.~~  
  
  


’Til the—

  
  
  


“Drop it!”

  
  
  


Please, listen to him, please.  
He knows what he’s doing.  
He knows what he’s doing!  
I don’t even know what I’m keeping from him!  
It’s not important to me!  
It’s not part of the mission!  
Just give it to him!  
Please!  
  
  


“Drop it!”

  
  
  
Do it!  
Please!  
We need to—  
No!   
Drop it!

  
  
  
Pain!  
  
  


He just—  
Don’t—  
Steve!

  
  
  
~~Steve!~~  
  
  
Mission.  
  
  


Steve…  
I…

  
  
  


No!

  
  
  
Target hit.  
  
  


Stop!

  
  
  
Target hit.  
  
  


No…

  
  
  


“Fire now.”

  
  
  
The Asset does not comprehend.  
  
  


“Do it! Do it now!”

  
  
  


But you’re still—  
Wait…

  
  
  
The Asset is under duress.  
The Asset is under duress.  
The Asset is under duress.  
The Asset is—  
  
  
Pain!  
  
  


Wait, don’t…  
You need to…  
Don’t help me…  
Get yourself out of…out of…  
I can’t…  
Please…  
Just leave…  
My love…  
Just go…  
Please…  
No…  
Don’t!

  
  
  


“You know me.”

  
  
  


I do.

  
  
  
~~I do.~~  
  
  
“No I don’t!”  
  
  


Yes, Steve, I do!

  
  
  
Steve?  
  
  
 ~~Steve?~~  
  
  
Mission.  
  
  


“Bucky, you’ve known me your whole life.”

  
  
  


My whole life, Stevie.   
And I’ve loved you for most of it.

  
  
  


“Your name is James Buchanan Barnes—”

  
  
  
“Shut up!”  
  
  


My name is James Buchanan Barnes.

  
  
  
Shut up!  
  
  
 ~~My name is James Buchanan Barnes.~~  
  
  
The Asset does not have a name.  
  
  


“I’m not gonna fight you.”

  
  
  


No!   
Please, Steve, don’t—  
You’re—

  
  
  


“You’re my friend.”

  
  
  


Steve!

  
  
  
“You’re my mission.”  
  
  


No, stop!  
I can’t kill him!  
No!  
Please—

  
  
  
“My—  
  
  


Pl—

  
  
  
—mission!”  
  
  


Please, Stevie, fight back!  
Please!  
You can’t—  
Don’t do this—  
Steve…

  
  
  
Steve?  
  
  
 ~~Steve?~~  
  
  
Steve?  
  
  
 ~~Steve?~~  
  
  
Steve?  
  
  
 ~~Steve?~~  
  
  


“Then finish it.”

  
  
  
Steve?  
  
  
 ~~Steve?~~  
  
  


“‘Cause I’m with you ‘til the end of the line.”

  
  
  
I’m with you ‘til the end of the line.  
  
  
 ~~I’m with you ‘til the end of the line.~~  
  
  
I’m with you ‘til the end of the line.  
  
  
 ~~I’m with you ‘til the end of the line.~~  
  
  
I’m with you ‘til the end of the line.  
  
  
 ~~I’m with you ‘til the end of the line.~~  
  
  
 _I’m with you ‘til the end of the line._  
  
  
 _‘Til the end of the line._  
  
  
 _’Til the end of the line._  
  
  
 _’Til the end of the line._  
  
  


_I’m with you ‘til the end of the line._

  
  
  
Steve?  
  
  
 _’Til the end of the line._  
  
  


I need to…I need to save Steve…   
Please…  
I need to let go…  
I’m going to fall anyway…  
He’s going to drown if I don’t….  
Stevie…  
I’m…I’m coming…

  
  
  
Steve?  
  
  


Yes. Steve.

  
  
  
Steve.  
  
  
Steve.  
  
  
Steve…  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
He’s so cold…  
  
  


Steve!

  
  
  
Steve?  
  
  


Please…just breathe…breathe, Stevie…breathe…

  
  
  
Breathe, Stevie…breathe…  
  
  


Please…just—oh, God, thank you…  
Keep breathing….  
Good…  
In…out…in…out… in…

  
  
  
Out…in…out…in…out…  
Out…out…away!  
I have to get away before they find me!  
  
  


But Steve…  
I have to protect Steve!   
I can’t leave him!  
I—

  
  
  
The Asset is vulnerable.  
The Asset must ensure its security until vulnerability has been repaired.  
  
  


Steve…

  
  
  
The Asset is unable to ensure the safe completion of the mission.  
The Asset is compromised.  
The Asset cannot complete the mission.  
  
  


I don’t even know what the mission is anymore…

  
  
  
The mission is to provide complete protection to target Captain Steven Grant Rogers, including neutralizing any and all potential and confirmed threats to the target.  
  
  


Yes.  
And…And since HYDRA attacked Steve…

  
  
  
HYDRA is a confirmed threat and must be neutralized.  
  
  


And the Asset?

  
  
  
The Asset is a confirmed threat and must be neutralized.  
  
  


I…  
…yes.  
HYDRA and the Asset…must be…must be…neutralized.  
Then that’s what I need to work on.  
But not here.  
It’s not safe.

  
  
  
It’s not safe.  
  
  
For Steve.  
  
  


I need to make sure Steve is safe.

  
  
  
That is the current mission.  
  
  


Huh?  
I don’t—  
Oh.  
I…I think I understand.  
Okay.  
I understand.

  
  
  
The Asset understands.  
  
  


Steve?  
I’m gonna have to leave you now.  
I’m sorry.  
But I promise this is the last time.  
I promise I’ll come home soon.   
Just once more, all right?  
I promise.  
I promise I’ll return.  
And then I’ll be by your side forever…if you’ll still have me.  
Try not to get into too much trouble while I’m away..  
I love you, Steve.

  
  
  
I.  
  
  
Love.  
  
  
You.  
  
  
Steve.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
It’s not the first time Bucky’s been able to get through to the Asset, not the first time Bucky’s been able to change the outcome of a mission.

Even though Bucky can’t remember, even though the wipes have shredded most of his memories beyond recognition, he knows it’s not the first time.

However, he has no doubt that this is the most important time.

And he’ll make sure he doesn’t forget.

_I love you, Steve._

Bucky checks to make sure Steve is breathing one last time before he disappears into the woods.

_I promise I’ll come home soon…_

_…‘cause I’m with you ‘til the end of the line._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guide to format:  
>  **Right-aligned:** Steve (all of his lines are directly from the movie)  
>  **Left-aligned:** HYDRA-controlled Bucky, known as the Asset  
>  **Center-aligned:** _Bucky_ Bucky, the part of him HYDRA couldn't erase, most importantly: the part of him that loves Steve
> 
> Also, all parts take place during the scenes quoted from the movie except for the first part which is a flashback during the bank vault scene. Just imagine broken Bucky staring into your soul and you'll be fine. Or not. Definitely not.
> 
> "Freezer Burn" is a reference to the working title of _The Winter Soldier_.


	2. Day Two: Off the Grid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saturday, April 5th, 2014
> 
> Day Two: when a mission to save becomes a mission to feel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lovin' the feedback so far! I've even got subscribers! O.O
> 
> This chapter didn't go quite as planned since I ended up shifting the entire plot one chapter forward--which is probably better in the long run since chapters six and seven weren't _exactly_ planned out yet.  >.>
> 
> Also, technically, this isn't really day 2, this is late evening/sunset of day 1 into nearly sunrise day 2. But close enough.

Bucky doesn’t know how much time passes before he remembers the tracker.

It could’ve been just a few minutes…

Or even a few hours…

He doesn’t know.

He squints at purple and orange shining through the trees, thinking about things that are both dim and bright.

_Sunset._

He can’t remember the last time he saw a sunset.

But he remembers the sun being high during his transport from his holding cell to S.H.I.E.L.D.’s headquarters.

He only remembers because they didn’t blindfold him like they usually did.

But how someone connects the position of the sun with time…

…he doesn’t know.

He doesn’t have a watch.

He has no way to figure out the time from his perch in this tree.

He can’t remember the last time something like this bothered him so much.

Truthfully, he can’t remember the last time something bothered him at all.

He holds his injured arm against his chest, leaning back against the trunk.

Then his thoughts snap back to the tracker.

And that makes everything worse.

* * *

The Asset used to have a watch, compact and durable, clipped to its belt.

More accurately, clipped to its belt during missions that were time-sensitive.

The last mission it was assigned—eliminate Captain Steven Grant Rogers—was time-sensitive.

The first mission it assigned itself—protect Captain Steven Grant Rogers—is also time-sensitive.

The Asset should have its watch, compact and durable, clipped to its belt.

But it doesn’t.

The Asset thinks of its watch, compact and durable, lying next to Captain Steven Grant Rogers’ shield at the bottom of the river.

It thinks the watch might be safer there.

* * *

The blindfold wasn’t the only thing they forgot.

Bucky looks down at his arms, one metal and one flesh, one he can move and one he can’t.

They expected this mission to be quick, easy.

They expected Winter Soldier to go in, kill Steve, and get out.

His metal hand makes a metal fist.

So they neglected one of its most important repairs.

_The left-side tracker._

He wonders what they would think of him wanting to thank the red-haired woman.

It’s because of him that there were even two in the first place. 

Early in Winter Soldier’s service, the second or third time it was sent out, he took control. He killed the handlers, spared the target, and fled. He came upon a vacant warehouse. He found some tools.

Somehow, in ways he no longer remembers, he detached the metal arm.

He doesn’t even remember why he did it.

But he remembers leaving it on the warehouse floor, along with all of the other weapons on his person—firearms, knives, a few grenades.

Then he ran.

They found him eight days later, dehydrated, starving and unconscious, curled in a ball on the roof of the target’s apartment building, less than three blocks from the warehouse.

In less than thirty minutes, he was transported to their nearest medical facility, strapped to a table, and forced to watch and feel as they dug into his right arm and implanted another tracker—because it’s only then he’d realized just how important the metal limb had been to them when attached to the rest of him—directly into the bone.

When he thinks about it now, he thinks it should have hurt long after the procedure had been finished, especially when he hadn’t been given a drop of anesthetic, but they pumped him full of pain killers and another modified serum, this one specifically synthesized to augment the healing process.

Then they dropped him into the freeze tank within the hour.

Winter Soldier successfully eliminated the target three weeks later.

And he never removed the arm again.

* * *

The Asset sees the man it saved in memories that belong to it and don’t belong to it at the same time.

 _Steve_ , it corrects itself. The man has a name. His name is Steve.

Steve is to Steven Grant Rogers as Bucky is to James Buchanan Barnes.

The Asset doesn’t entirely understand but that’s not important right now.

What is important is making sure that man—regardless of his name—is safe.

It’s what Bucky wants.

It’s what the Asset wants.

The Asset has never wanted anything before.

It doesn’t know why.

But it feels nice to want.

And the Asset has never felt anything nice before, either.

* * *

All of Winter Soldier’s knives are dirty, filthy, caked in dried blood that isn’t Bucky’s.

_Yet._

He holds the hilt of another blade between his teeth to muffle his screams as he cuts into his own flesh.

He tries not to think about the fact that his shoulder is no longer aching, tries not to think that it is because he’s created a worse pain somewhere else.

He thinks these things anyway.

Tears spill from his eyes, clouding his vision as he struggles to cut deeper.

(There’s a flash of a memory from his fight with Steve and he wonders if this is the knife he used to stab his best friend, if the dried blood _is_ his best friend’s. 

But he can’t remember whether he retrieved it after Steve…

He thinks it’s better not to think at all.

It’s probably at the bottom of the river.

He’s thinking again, thinking of knives and watches and shields sinking into the dark depths.

Deeper…deeper…

But not Steve.

He couldn’t let that happen to Steve.)

His teeth dig into the rubber grip and it’s like lightning striking his nerves.

(More flashes, more strikes, a slap across his face, immobilized in a chair, a chunk of bitter plastic shoved into his mouth, the electricity that wiped his mind…or tried to…)

He screams and the blade in his mouth slips and falls, falls into his lap and then down, down, down…

(He probably shouldn’t have tried to gag himself at all.)

The other, now drenched in fresh, oozing blood, falls as well.

(He doesn’t hear either hit the ground.)

The tracker lies in pieces in the palm of his metal hand.

He tries not to look at the flesh he’d just cut into. 

He’d felt the bone when he reached it with the blade. 

He doesn’t need to see it, too.

(He wonders how long it will take to heal, if it will even heal at all.

He wonders what would happen if they found him now, if they would replace this damaged limb as well.

He wonders if he’s still worth something to them, anything at all, when he’s failed them like this.

He wonders if he even wants to be worth something to them.)

And now he is in so much pain, he no longer feels anything at all.

And although he doesn’t know why, he begins to sob.

(And the only thing he doesn’t wonder about—doesn’t need speculation for when he’s more certain about this than anything—is that he wants to be worth something to Steve.

Because Steve is worth everything to him.)

* * *

The Asset holds the bloody pieces in its hand.

 _Tracker,_ Bucky had called it.

It doesn’t know what it is or why it was in its arm, but it does know that it was important for Bucky to get it out.

So the Asset will endure the pain.

* * *

Bucky loses consciousness sometime before the sun completely disappears beneath the horizon.

When he wakes, the moon is high and bright and full.

Before he even thinks to move, he’s standing on the solid ground beneath his former perch.

He wonders if his smooth landing was more because of his own instinct or if the Asset was trying to help him out.

He smiles when he thinks it’s probably a little bit of both.

He looks down, the moonlight strong enough to reflect off the pair of discarded knives.

He’s still holding the pieces of the tracker.

Without hesitation, he crouches, begins to dig a hole at the base of the tree.

He wonders if what he’s burying is really what he’s burying or something else.

He pats the dirt over the broken tracker and the bloody knives.

He knows he’ll never return to retrieve them, never dig them up, knows no one else will probably dig them up either but that doesn’t mean he’ll ever forget, ever forget what is buried here and where here even is.

He shudders.

He’s cold. It’s nothing new, he thinks, when he’s pretty much felt cold since they pulled him from that frozen river that was supposed to be his grave all those decades before.

But he’s always ignored it.

But he doesn’t have to ignore it anymore.

He’s not entirely sure how he got from the forest to the city street but he’s here and he’s cold and he’s hungry and he’s thirsty and he’s surrounded by solutions.

He tries not to think about why his mind associates food with solutions.

He shudders again.

He has no currency, no money and certainly nothing with which to barter.

But does money really matter when all the stores are closed?

* * *

The Asset knows it must discard its uniform. The material is torn and bloody and reeking of river water, sweat and other things it cannot name.

It knows if it remains in this uniform, it will attract attention.

And it has a mission so it cannot afford to attract attention.

The buildings are dark and vacant. It cannot sense anyone behind the first doorway it comes across.

It moves to enter.

* * *

Bucky freezes right before breaking into the convenience store, metal hand flat against the window.

He can’t break in.

But he’s _so_ hungry.

But he can’t do it.

He swallows, hand resting on the only barrier between him and the colorful packages he know contain food.

_Food._

He curls his hand into a fist, ready to break the glass.

It wouldn’t be the first time, wouldn’t be the first time he stole.

He has a flash of a memory, a memory from long ago.

_Steve._

He remembers stealing for Steve, not just food but medication as well.

He remembers Steve being angry with him, yet eating the food and taking the medication anyway.

It wouldn’t be the first time he stole.

But it would be the first time he stole for himself.

He lowers his hand.

* * *

What is—  
  
  


Hunger.

  
  
  
Hunger?  
  
  


Yes.  
It’s kind of funny, really.

  
  
  
The Asset does not comprehend.  
  
  


I can’t remember the last time I was… _hungry_.

  
  
  
The Asset was given—  
  
  


  
_The Asset_ was never fed because it—I…you…It was never about _hunger_.

  
  
  
Then what was it about?  
  
  


I…  
I…  
I don’t…  
I can’t…  
I wish I knew.

  
  
  
It feels…  
It feels…  
  
  


Empty?

  
  
  
Maybe.  
What is empty?  
  
  


Figures.  
They never seemed to bring food around when I actually wanted it.  
Not like what they brought could’ve been considered food anyway.

So…empty is…hungry?  
  
  


Sometimes.  
Not always.  
When I didn’t want to leave Steve by the water…  
When I walked away…  
When I was sitting in the tree…  
I felt empty then, too.

  
  
  
Empty.  
  
  


It’s strange.  
Felt sorta empty when I cut out the tracker, too.  
How fucked up is that?

  
  
  
Pain.  
  
  


What?

  
  
  
Pain.  
Hot.  
Cold.  
How can it be hot and cold at the same time?  
  
  


I think…  
I think I…  
I think I have a fever.  
My arm…  
Hurts…

  
  
  
Pain.  
Hot.  
Cold.  
The Asset does not comprehend.  
  
  


But I had to.  
I had to get it out.  
They won’t take me back.

  
  
  
They won’t take me back.  
  
  
They won’t take me back.  
  
  
 _They won’t take me back._  
  
  


I’m so tired…  
But…  
But I need…  
Need to get somewhere safe…

  
  
  
Safe?  
Analyzing…  
The Asset has received another mission.  
Mission priority: top.  
The Asset has received another target.  
Target priority: top.  
The Asset must secure sufficient shelter for the target.  
  
  


The forest…  
The forest…  
How did I get back to the forest?

  
  
  
Safe.  
The target is safe.  
The Asset has completed its mission.  
Analyzing…  
Current target: Steve.  
Target priority: top.  
Current mission: maintain safety of target.  
Target priority: top.  
  
  


Sleep…

  
  
  
Error.  
Pain.  
Hot.  
Cold.  
Mission suspended.  
The Asset has been given permission to…  
  
  


Sleep…

  
  
  


_Bucky?_  
_Bucky?_  
_Bucky!_

  
  
  
Bucky?  
  
  


Sleep…

  
  
  
_They won’t take me back._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course something had to go wrong with Bucky removing the tracker. My headcanon with the arm is that HYDRA had installed a main tracker in it but that they definitely had a backup somewhere else in his body. The arm has never been removed in the MCU-- _yet_ \--but it is shown to be removable in the comics so I'm assuming it is indeed removable here, too.
> 
> The infection. Consider this an angst-ish warning for chapter 3. I apologize in advance.

**Author's Note:**

> Your kudos and comments are much appreciated! ♥


End file.
